(And a Proverbs 31 Woman).
When I was saved by God’s grace one ordinary day three years ago, I had no idea that my mind and thought patterns would be transformed. Some quickly and radically. Some slowly.
There was nothing particularly special about the day God extended His loving grace to me (and I accepted). I was not in a good place emotionally. I was doing nothing to help anyone else, nor did I live to serve others. But in a moment of weakness and humility, I cried out to God asking that He teach me the difference between right and wrong, because I did not know anymore. In that very moment, I felt the presence of Jesus and my heart instantly knew He was real and He was with me. Tears flooded my face and I felt so small but so honored.
As the days went by and I grieved the damage done to my Spirit during the years I turned away from God, I started to feel differently about my purpose in life. Instead of feeling motivated to pursue law school and glorify myself, I felt that the purpose of my life was to love God and love others by serving my family.
I turned to the Bible and dissected Proverbs 31 as any good law student might. This is one of the few passages of the Bible that clearly outlines the role and duties of a virtuous woman. As a seeker of God and follower of Christ, it is my heart’s desire to be the kind of woman depicted in this passage:
10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
What I take from this passage is that God wants women to stay at home and tend to the home, because there is so much work to be done there! It takes work to plan, purchase, and cook healthy and nourishing meals for your family. It takes work to stay up all night with the babies and care for them all day as well. It takes work to gently guide your children to independence while also remaining a safe and secure constant in their lives. It takes work to be the eyes, ears, and heart of the home. It takes work to scrub the toilets and polish the baseboards, all the while teaching your children the necessity of hard work through your example. It takes work to be frugal and find creative ways to close the gap of materialism. Work that cannot be foisted onto a stranger if you are to preserve the blessed parent-child bond that God intended.
Now, that being said, I’m all about women working from home if their circumstances dictate. And I’m not here to judge any woman that works outside the home for that matter. I don't know your journey and I don't know God's plan for you. I just believe in my heart of hearts that it’s better for everyone if Mom is the constant mainframe, keeping an eye on everything and connecting with everything and everyone through those repeated, pervasive interactions (which my background in Family Studies taught was the KEY to fostering secure attachments in children and the absence of which led to crippling attachment disorders). I think it’s brilliant that we have so many work-from-home options thanks to technology and the world wide web. Women are so inherently creative and good with their hands and to fulfill one’s creative gifts is such an uplifting, good thing that God has given us.
My parents did not raise me with these traditional values, although my mother and stepfather did impart some traditional and Biblical values along the way. What they did raise me to believe is that both men and women must work hard no matter what they choose to do for a living. I believe that all are worthy in the eyes of the Lord if you work hard. God Himself is a hardworker (I see you, Genesis) and I believe He values this in His creation.
One of the problems with modern American culture is that it does not value the hard work mothers perform whether they remain at home or juggle a career. This is because there is no self-glorification in being a mother. It is the most selfless and humble job a woman can assume.
Women are believing the enemy’s lies that they must glorify themselves to feel empowered. That men are the problem universally. That men should be emasculated. That men and women are exactly the same and should have the exact same roles and duties.
I can honestly say that I swallowed a giant piece of humble pie when the Lord revealed to me the Biblical wisdom that teaches that a woman is a man’s helpmeet. She was made to help her husband (or the Church) to be the best version of himself, and that ultimately benefits her. You know, that whole cutting off the nose to spite the face thing, but in reverse.
Over the last three years I have had to unlearn so many unhelpful belief systems and thought patterns. Some would call these “strongholds.” At the core of this is learning how to walk through life with humility and accepting my husband’s direction even when I don’t agree with it. Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy? Do I want to be humble, or do I want to lord above others in self-glorification?
Creating a serene home and functioning as a peaceful family means biting my tongue constantly. CONSTANTLY. It means battling the rebellious notion that my "voice needs to be heard" (which 99% of the time is just a complaint manifested or a spirit of ingratitude). There are so, so many instances when I want to glorify myself and whenever I give in I always regret it. The Holy Spirit convicts me in ways I used to brush off before. Some people think of this as your “intuition” but I believe it’s the Holy Spirit. Even if you don’t believe in Jesus or are still searching for God, I believe the Holy Spirit is always with you, working to draw you back into the loving hands of our Father, just as He did that ordinary Tuesday afternoon, when I accepted His love and His grace.
Even if you don’t believe in Jesus...I believe the Holy Spirit is always with you, working to draw you back into the loving hands of our Father...
If you're currently a mother who also juggles a career and dreams of being able to stay at home with your child(ren), I lovingly urge you to seek a new way. Pray on it. Ask God for His providence. Sell one of your cars and downsize. Learn how to be more frugal-cook from scratch, buy produce from salvage markets, shop at Goodwill. I have done all of these things as a single woman living on a small income and I would do them again if the only thing standing in my way of staying at home with my children was the pride of life: having a big house, nice car, and glamorous clothing and vacations.
My own personal experience with this issue is that after she remarried, my mother reluctantly continued to work even though she no longer was a single mother with a single income. I don't think my mother could have predicted that 16 years down the road, her choice to work outside of the home would have such a significant negative impact on the health of her family, but it did. If she could do it over again, I believe she would trade the fancy vacations and new cars and clothes for the chance to nurture her family as the Lord intended.
The Lord wants that for you, too, and if you let Him, I truly believe that He will show you the way.